After I returned from my first inpatient stay at a psychiatric hospital back in September 2018, Stephen gave me a small, squishy boxing glove as a reminder for me to continue fighting for life. That little glove has sat in my office at work ever since, and I admit that after a while it sort of blended into my surroundings and stopped being something I focused on daily. But late last week I found myself staring at it anew and gripped it with desperate hands, needing to feel its texture but also needing to remember that I am in a battle for my mind.
Even though my depression has been much better and more manageable these past few months, I would be lying if I said I haven’t been affected by the pandemic and all that has come with it. I have found my motivation depleted, my energy sapped, my mood despondent. I have felt strangled by loneliness at times, and I have craved a normal Sunday at church, where we are free to hug each other and worship unhindered by social distancing and masks and sterilization. Anxiety about what the school year will look like for Charlotte has consumed me, and I find myself voicing prayers in the middle of the night as I think of all the worst-case scenarios. It is enough to send my thoughts racing, to make me feel like I am losing my grip on reality.
Instead, I stop. I breathe. I squeeze my boxing glove and remember the warning of Paul in Ephesians 6:12: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” I am in a battle for my mind and soul, and my enemy (and yours, too) isn’t the corona virus but sin and Satan. Satan taunts us with lies and fear, and if I am not careful I find myself falling into his trap. So I must be diligent: “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication” (Ephesians 6:13-18). I combat lies with the truths of Scripture. I fight despair with the hope of the gospel. I take my negative thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I fight, and then I wake up the next day and fight again. The battle is not lost. I have victory in Jesus.
Three weeks ago I started reading Psalm 119. Conviction washes over me daily as I read its words of love and adoration, as I meditate on its admonition to cherish God and His Word above all else. I am reminded that He is good and does good (verse 68). I am reminded that His Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (verse 105). I am reminded that in my affliction, His promise gives me life (verse 50). I am reminded that the earth is full of His steadfast love (verse 64). When I do not know where else to turn, I turn to Him. He alone is steady and unchanging and dependable when all else fails.
Are you weary and laden with fear? Bring your burden to Jesus. And keep fighting. You do not fight alone.