Last weigh-in (2 weeks ago): 200.2
This week’s weight: 201.4
GAIN of 1.2 pounds
Well, given the fact that last week was not a shining moment for me, I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was. I weighed myself on August 1, and I was 201.6. I wasn’t happy with that, but I knew I would get myself in gear and thought I could at least lose a little bit before today. I rocked the running and did another 4 miles on Saturday, along with a 3 mile walk and 2 other runs. I felt proud and strong.
If I am honest with myself, however, I know what did me in–the weekend. For some reason, my brain just shuts off on the weekend and I am not nearly as careful with tracking. I didn’t track a bite of food on Sunday, and I know I ate way too much.
If I am ever going to lose this weight, I have to be more diligent on the weekends. So my one goal for this week is to track every bite I eat. Knowing I am going to track it makes me more accountable, so I am hoping that will make me think twice about overeating.
I would LOVE to be in the 190s next week. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…
Last week’s weight: 175.2
This week’s weight: 173.6
LOSS of 1.6 pounds
Though it’s small, I am thrilled with this loss! I found it really hard not weighing every day, but it was definitely good for me, and it was nice in a way not knowing what to expect when I got on the scale.
I was talking to Stephen Monday night after my ice cream binge about how I feel that I may as well have 50 pounds to lose, so daunted do I feel at the thought of losing only 20 pounds. I have been bouncing around the same weight range for so long that part of me is afraid I will never reach my goal and stay there. He suggested coming up with a reward system to help motivate me, and though he rejected my idea of a trip to SeaWorld as my ultimate reward, I did like his suggestion. 🙂 He also suggested that I set a specific time limit on my goal, and I decided that I would aim for my 32nd birthday, which is October 22. After deciding that, I realized that I only have to lose 4 pounds a month to reach that goal! Even though I have said many times how helpful it is to break weight loss goals into smaller chunks, I wasn’t doing that for myself. I’ve had this 20 pounds in my head for months and have felt so defeated by it, but 4 pounds? 4 pounds I can handle! So I came up with a list of rewards that I will get for each 4 pounds I lose until I reach my goal of 155. (When I came up with this list I hadn’t weighed in for this week, so I am using last week as my starting week.)
4 pounds lost: $10 Amazon gift card so I can buy new workout songs
8 pounds lost: A new sports bra
12 pounds lost: The Zumba Wii game
16 pounds lost: A one hour massage
20 pounds lost: Goal reached! New purse and new clothes!
I’m really excited about this and think it will help me on days when I feel tempted to throw in the towel. Only 2.4 pounds until my first reward!
I’m going to hope that writing ugly truths is less painful if you do it quickly, kind of like ripping off a bandage. Here goes:
Weight on March 6: 169.6
Weight on May 1: 175.2
GAIN of 5.6 pounds
I want to cry just looking at those numbers. And I wanted to cry even more when I happened to glance over at the sidebar where I have kept a log of my weigh-ins for various months since I had Charlotte. If you’ll notice, last May 1, I weighed 174.2. One pound LESS than what I weigh right now. That means that over the course of a year I did not lose any weight but instead gained a pound.
You know what’s really sad? On Monday when I got on the scale, it said 177.6. That is so close to 180, and I haven’t seen the 180s since last January. I don’t want to go back there again. I didn’t even want to go back to the 170s, yet here I am, firmly entrenched. It is ridiculous how much my weight has crept up since I got sick. I realize that the drastic weight loss I experienced back in November was due to being sick and I honestly didn’t think I would keep all of it off, but I really and truly believed I could at least stay in the 160s, preferably the lower 160s. Now I’m just a few cheeseburgers away from 180 pounds, and I feel sick. I know I have been through a lot recently, and I know that this is not the end of the world, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between being kind to myself and being too lenient. I guess that sums me up in a nutshell: I’m either a drill sergeant or a lazy bum
. There is no middle ground with me.
Part of me is really ashamed of all of this. Part of me wishes I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. But I know that I can’t let the shame win. Shame doesn’t face problems; it buries its head and pretends they’re not there. Shame doesn’t overcome; shame surrenders in defeat. Shame doesn’t lead to victory; it only leads to captivity. I will not bury my head in the sand, and I will not surrender. I will not be held captive. I have to keep fighting. Even if it takes me the rest of my LIFE to figure this whole weight loss thing out, I have to figure it out.
Lord, help me.
Weight on February 20: 168.6
Weight today: 169.6
GAIN of 1 pound
Is anyone really surprised by this? It seems like lately gaining weight is what I do best. I am flirting with the 170s, and I really don’t want to be in the 170s again. I spent the bulk of 2012 there, and I’d love to spend the bulk of 2013 in the 160s, or even the high 150s. I have done better with my eating choices recently, and I’ve even managed to make it to the gym several times, but I am not consistent enough with these actions to really see results, as evidenced by this weigh-in.
Honestly, I’m weary of this whole struggle. I have been dealing with my weight my entire life. As long as I can remember I have been overweight, even in elementary school. I get so frustrated with the fact that I am sitting here obsessing over food when there are babies without parents, people without food, etc. Considering the serious problems of the world, this issue is ridiculous. I hate that something as trivial as food consumes so much of my thoughts, but I fear that if I didn’t think about it, I would end up weighing 300 pounds. I desperately need to find balance.
I long for a day when I can just eat a meal and not agonize over what’s on my plate. I long for a day when my thoughts aren’t consumed by food, but I don’t know if that day will ever come. I don’t know if I will ever find true freedom from this. Sometimes I am grateful for this struggle because it has helped deepen my dependence on God and kept me humble, but then I also know that I am not meant to live in bondage, so I don’t know what to think.
What I do know is that I am a child of God, and He loves me in spite of the mess I make of my life at times, and I am deeply grateful for that.