Weigh-In Wednesday: Weekend Derailment

Last weigh-in (2 weeks ago): 200.2
This week’s weight: 201.4
GAIN of 1.2 pounds

Well, given the fact that last week was not a shining moment for me, I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was. I weighed myself on August 1, and I was 201.6. I wasn’t happy with that, but I knew I would get myself in gear and thought I could at least lose a little bit before today. I rocked the running and did another 4 miles on Saturday, along with a 3 mile walk and 2 other runs. I felt proud and strong.

If I am honest with myself, however, I know what did me in–the weekend. For some reason, my brain just shuts off on the weekend and I am not nearly as careful with tracking. I didn’t track a bite of food on Sunday, and I know I ate way too much.

If I am ever going to lose this weight, I have to be more diligent on the weekends. So my one goal for this week is to track every bite I eat. Knowing I am going to track it makes me more accountable, so I am hoping that will make me think twice about overeating.

I would LOVE to be in the 190s next week. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

Weigh-In Wednesday: Make It Rewarding

Last week’s weight: 175.2
This week’s weight: 173.6
LOSS of 1.6 pounds
Though it’s small, I am thrilled with this loss! I found it really hard not weighing every day, but it was definitely good for me, and it was nice in a way not knowing what to expect when I got on the scale. 

I was talking to Stephen Monday night after my ice cream binge about how I feel that I may as well have 50 pounds to lose, so daunted do I feel at the thought of losing only 20 pounds. I have been bouncing around the same weight range for so long that part of me is afraid I will never reach my goal and stay there. He suggested coming up with a reward system to help motivate me, and though he rejected my idea of a trip to SeaWorld as my ultimate reward, I did like his suggestion. 🙂 He also suggested that I set a specific time limit on my goal, and I decided that I would aim for my 32nd birthday, which is October 22. After deciding that, I realized that I only have to lose 4 pounds a month to reach that goal! Even though I have said many times how helpful it is to break weight loss goals into smaller chunks, I wasn’t doing that for myself. I’ve had this 20 pounds in my head for months and have felt so defeated by it, but 4 pounds? 4 pounds I can handle! So I came up with a list of rewards that I will get for each 4 pounds I lose until I reach my goal of 155. (When I came up with this list I hadn’t weighed in for this week, so I am using last week as my starting week.)

My Rewards:
4 pounds lost: $10 Amazon gift card so I can buy new workout songs
8 pounds lost: A new sports bra
12 pounds lost: The Zumba Wii game
16 pounds lost: A one hour massage
20 pounds lost: Goal reached! New purse and new clothes!
I’m really excited about this and think it will help me on days when I feel tempted to throw in the towel.  Only 2.4 pounds until my first reward!

Weigh-In Wednesday: It Ain’t Pretty

I’m going to hope that writing ugly truths is less painful if you do it quickly, kind of like ripping off a bandage. Here goes:

Weight on March 6: 169.6
Weight on May 1: 175.2
GAIN of 5.6 pounds
I want to cry just looking at those numbers. And I wanted to cry even more when I happened to glance over at the sidebar where I have kept a log of my weigh-ins for various months since I had Charlotte. If you’ll notice, last May 1, I weighed 174.2. One pound LESS than what I weigh right now. That means that over the course of a year I did not lose any weight but instead gained a pound. 
You know what’s really sad? On Monday when I got on the scale, it said 177.6. That is so close to 180, and I haven’t seen the 180s since last January. I don’t want to go back there again. I didn’t even want to go back to the 170s, yet here I am, firmly entrenched. It is ridiculous how much my weight has crept up since I got sick. I realize that the drastic weight loss I experienced back in November was due to being sick and I honestly didn’t think I would keep all of it off, but I really and truly believed I could at least stay in the 160s, preferably the lower 160s. Now I’m just a few cheeseburgers away from 180 pounds, and I feel sick. I know I have been through a lot recently, and I know that this is not the end of the world, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between being kind to myself and being too lenient. I guess that sums me up in a nutshell: I’m either a drill sergeant or a lazy bum. There is no middle ground with me.

Part of me is really ashamed of all of this. Part of me wishes I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. But I know that I can’t let the shame win. Shame doesn’t face problems; it buries its head and pretends they’re not there. Shame doesn’t overcome; shame surrenders in defeat. Shame doesn’t lead to victory; it only leads to captivity. I will not bury my head in the sand, and I will not surrender. I will not be held captive. I have to keep fighting. Even if it takes me the rest of my LIFE to figure this whole weight loss thing out, I have to figure it out.

Lord, help me.

Weigh-In Wednesday: Weary

Weight on February 20: 168.6
Weight today: 169.6
GAIN of 1 pound

Is anyone really surprised by this? It seems like lately gaining weight is what I do best. I am flirting with the 170s, and I really don’t want to be in the 170s again. I spent the bulk of 2012 there, and I’d love to spend the bulk of 2013 in the 160s, or even the high 150s. I have done better with my eating choices recently, and I’ve even managed to make it to the gym several times, but I am not consistent enough with these actions to really see results, as evidenced by this weigh-in.

Honestly, I’m weary of this whole struggle. I have been dealing with my weight my entire life. As long as I can remember I have been overweight, even in elementary school. I get so frustrated with the fact that I am sitting here obsessing over food when there are babies without parents, people without food, etc. Considering the serious problems of the world, this issue is ridiculous. I hate that something as trivial as food consumes so much of my thoughts, but I fear that if I didn’t think about it, I would end up weighing 300 pounds. I desperately need to find balance.

I long for a day when I can just eat a meal and not agonize over what’s on my plate. I long for a day when my thoughts aren’t consumed by food, but I don’t know if that day will ever come. I don’t know if I will ever find true freedom from this. Sometimes I am grateful for this struggle because it has helped deepen my dependence on God and kept me humble, but then I also know that I am not meant to live in bondage, so I don’t know what to think.

What I do know is that I am a child of God, and He loves me in spite of the mess I make of my life at times, and I am deeply grateful for that.