Let the Light Shine

When I weighed in on Wednesday, the scale showed a gain of 3 pounds. 3 pounds in one week. So instead of having only 9 pounds to lose to get to my final goal, I have 12.

I wasn’t going to blog about this, and I had a good reason not to. It’s not like I have been blogging regularly, so why interrupt my non-blogging with a post about how I’ve gained weight? It would just be embarrassing. And depressing. And humiliating.

But you know what? Not blogging about it doesn’t make the gain go away. It doesn’t change the fact that my eating habits have been far from stellar and my workouts have been few and far between. Not blogging about it may allow me to hide it from others, but I certainly can’t hide it from myself.

The irony is that on the same day I realized I gained 3 pounds, I was selected to be SparkPeople’s Motivator of the Day. I had all of these wonderful, encouraging comments from SparkPeople users on my page, telling me how inspiring and amazing I am, while inside I felt like anything but inspiring and amazing. I was tempted not to update my weight loss ticker on the site so it would still show a mere 9 pounds to lose to get to goal, but I opted for honesty. I didn’t get this far by lying to myself, by hiding the truth. In fact, I got to 261 pounds by lying to myself and hiding the truth. Back then, I didn’t tell ANYONE how much I weighed, not even my husband (until I was ready to lose the weight); I didn’t let people see how much I really ate; I didn’t want people to know what size clothing I really wore. What is pathetic is that it’s not as though my obesity was not obvious. My size belied all the things I was trying to hide, and yet I lived with the delusion that I was someone who really wasn’t THAT big. It was only when I faced the facts and saw my size as the danger to my health and life that it was that I was able to change. And it is only when I bring the truth into the light that the darkness disappears.

So yes, I gained 3 pounds. Yes, I made poor choices. But I am not giving up without a fight. I am not giving in.

I’m letting the light shine.

What a Mixed Bag of Nuts!

Today I got an email from Baylor telling me I have been accepted to their PhD program. However, the brief excitement that caused was immediately followed by disappointment, as it also said they could not offer me an assistantship. Apparently, this year they had an unusually large number of applicants but no budget increase, so they are limited to offering assistantships to the top 5 applicants. I am ranked tenth. So I got in, but I am not getting any funding, which means I’m not going. I am trying not to be upset or worried, but at the moment it’s not working so well. Of course, I just got the email an hour ago, so it’s all still fresh. The worse thing is that at the end of the email, he (the director of the grad program) said that with my qualifications I would be sure to get into a number of other accomplished programs who would offer me funding, but I have my doubts about that. I applied to good schools (Notre Dame, Vanderbilt, U of I, UGA, and Knoxville), so if Baylor isn’t going to give me any funding, what are my chances of getting it from other schools? I didn’t really apply to any “safety” schools, which I guess was stupid on my part.

In all honesty, I am scared because when I started this whole process I prayed that if God didn’t want me to attend graduate school that I wouldn’t get funding from any of the schools, and now I’m afraid that’s going to come true. Then what? Become a secretary for the rest of my life? Absolutely not! I’d rather cut off my arm. So if you’re reading this, please pray for me, that I would trust God and not continue to freak out as I am doing right now, and that I would be prepared for whatever lies ahead.