I’m linking up with Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday. This week’s prompt: opportunity. Join the fun!
“She went down fine, no protests,” I tell Stephen. But minutes later, cries break through the quiet. Not so fine after all. After waiting a few minutes to see if the cries subside, I finally decide to go and check on her—just this once—to see if she is okay. I could leave her alone, and some nights I do, but tonight I cannot resist her calls. I enter the darkened room and find her sitting up, looking forlorn, cheeks wet with tears, chest heaving with little sobs. Her arms rise instantly at the sight of me, and how can I resist such an invitation? I sweep her up, head to shoulder, heart to heart, rubbing her back and humming softly.
“Shhh, shh,” I whisper, touching the silky softness of her hair. “Mommy loves you. It’s okay.”
More than okay. For here, in this moment, mother and daughter, I feel my purpose. Love wells up within me, spills out like so much water from a gushing stream. Here, in this moment, I want to freeze time, savor the feel of small fingers touching mine, tiny legs wrapped tightly around me.
I want to remember her always like this, arms stretched up, eyes on me alone.
This week’s prompt for Five Minute Friday is “Identity.” Here goes…
I have wanted to stuff my face with food all day. I woke up thinking of doughnuts. I worked until lunch thinking of doughnuts, until my thoughts then switched to french fries. It would have been easy for me to get in my car and drive to McDonald’s and order a burger and fries. But I didn’t. Instead I sit here, writing about it.
I cannot shake my love of food. I dream about food sometimes, always look forward to my next meal, always wish I could have just a little more of a food that tastes really good. I eat with abandon much of the time, and sometimes even I am astonished at how quickly the food disappears.
I want to be healthy, but how can I when all of my thoughts–and sometimes my actions–are anything but? How can I be healthy when I am just a few binges away from a 10 pound weight gain? It takes so much work to lose 5 pounds, and yet I can regain those pounds in a day if I am not careful. And I am sure I don’t LOOK healthy–173 pounds is not exactly trim, and cellulite doesn’t lie.
I tell myself that it doesn’t matter how much I weigh and that what is important is what’s on the inside, and of course this is true. I know that God loves me and created me and that He DELIGHTS in me, and yet here I sit, thinking not of Him, but of food. I have allowed food the power in my life, have given it permission to hijack my thoughts and hold my waistline hostage, when the Father stands before me, arms open wide, inviting me in as His daughter, His beloved.
The one truth I keep coming back to is this: food will not love me back. And to this I add: I won’t find my identity in a doughnut.