On Tuesday, I am going to be checking myself into a residential facility outside of Chicago to receive more intensive treatment for depression. This comes after spending nine days at a mental hospital in Memphis because my suicidal thoughts became too great to bear. I knew my life was in danger, and so I made the hard choice to go back to inpatient treatment rather than give in to the darkness. While I did receive help in Memphis, it wasn’t enough, which is why I have made the excruciating decision to leave my family and seek further treatment. It is my desperate hope that by devoting all of my time to my mental and spiritual health I can finally find relief from the pain that has dogged me for months.
The idea of being away from my family for 30 days, which is the amount of time I will likely be gone, breaks my heart. I don’t know how my girls will ever understand why I had to leave them. However, I am praying that one day they will see that I sacrificed this time with them now so that I can be there for them for many more years to come. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done, but I also know it is the right thing. I pray that God will use it to bring me healing and to bring Himself glory, and I would covet your prayers for my family and for me.
I imagine there are those of you who are reading this who do not understand how I can leave my family, who do not understand why I don’t just snap out of this depression. I don’t write these words for you. I write them for the ones who are reading them and also feel hopeless and despairing, and I pray that my story encourages them to reach out and get help. There is love and support waiting. I have found more than I ever thought possible, more than I deserve. Even in the darkest night, the light of Christ shines brightly on me, as He shows His love for me through my dear family and friends and church.
The way forward is scary and unknown, but His Word promises to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path, so I will take it one step at a time and trust in the Savior who died for me.