I trust You, Lord, in the depth of quiet night,
when my mind is turning endless circles
and the beating of my heart rings loudly in my ears.
I trust You, Lord, though the tempest rages strong around me,
and fear begins to take familiar shape
in the murky corners of my mind.
I trust You, Lord, in the loud silence of doubt
that haunts my nights and darkens my days
with dogged persistence.
I trust You, Lord, though the path is unclear,
and the way is choked by what ifs and unknowns
that threaten to overtake the light You give.
I trust You, Lord, though inside I long to betray you
and trust instead myself.
But You know and I know
I cannot be trusted.
Not too long ago, I came across the above poem that I wrote while in college, probably 14 years ago (holy cow, I’m old). I was struck by a few things as I read it:
- Why did I even hang onto such a bad poem? (Because I don’t get rid of things, even bad poems. And there were a lot of bad poems.)
- My love of overly dramatic turns of phrase is alive and well today.
- I still struggle with the same issue this poem addresses–trust.
I have been praying one prayer more than any others recently, and it is this one: “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” I’m in a season where my faith hasn’t come easily to me, for a variety of reasons. I feel like I’m having to remind myself far too often of the most basic truths of Scripture: that God loves me, that He is sovereign, that He is working for my good, and that it is Satan who is waging war against me, not Him. Some days I don’t feel as though I can muster much beyond that simple prayer, but I take comfort in knowing that the Spirit prays on my behalf with groans too deep for words. And I know that there is no better Person to bring my doubts to than the One who can dispel them all.
What do you do when your faith seems hard?