I’m going to hope that writing ugly truths is less painful if you do it quickly, kind of like ripping off a bandage. Here goes:
Weight on March 6: 169.6
Weight on May 1: 175.2
GAIN of 5.6 pounds
I want to cry just looking at those numbers. And I wanted to cry even more when I happened to glance over at the sidebar where I have kept a log of my weigh-ins for various months since I had Charlotte. If you’ll notice, last May 1, I weighed 174.2. One pound LESS than what I weigh right now. That means that over the course of a year I did not lose any weight but instead gained a pound.
You know what’s really sad? On Monday when I got on the scale, it said 177.6. That is so close to 180, and I haven’t seen the 180s since last January. I don’t want to go back there again. I didn’t even want to go back to the 170s, yet here I am, firmly entrenched. It is ridiculous how much my weight has crept up since I got sick. I realize that the drastic weight loss I experienced back in November was due to being sick and I honestly didn’t think I would keep all of it off, but I really and truly believed I could at least stay in the 160s, preferably the lower 160s. Now I’m just a few cheeseburgers away from 180 pounds, and I feel sick. I know I have been through a lot recently, and I know that this is not the end of the world, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between being kind to myself and being too lenient. I guess that sums me up in a nutshell: I’m either a drill sergeant or a lazy bum
. There is no middle ground with me.
Part of me is really ashamed of all of this. Part of me wishes I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. But I know that I can’t let the shame win. Shame doesn’t face problems; it buries its head and pretends they’re not there. Shame doesn’t overcome; shame surrenders in defeat. Shame doesn’t lead to victory; it only leads to captivity. I will not bury my head in the sand, and I will not surrender. I will not be held captive. I have to keep fighting. Even if it takes me the rest of my LIFE to figure this whole weight loss thing out, I have to figure it out.
Lord, help me.