I have been all over the place emotionally when it comes to my weight. I didn’t really know how to process it when I lost 15 pounds so quickly when I got sick, and now I don’t know how to process gaining almost all of it back. In the back of my mind I knew it was a long shot that I would actually stay at that smaller size, but I had hopes that I could.
I can write about how it was the holiday season and I wanted to enjoy myself, or I can talk about how good it felt to actually get to eat real food and enjoy it after weeks on end of not wanting to eat anything, but deep down, I know those are just excuses. Even though I hoped I could maintain my lower weight, I did virtually nothing to make that happen. I ate too much, too often. I didn’t give much thought to the quality of my food, nor did I attempt to make healthy choices. And who am I kidding writing in the past tense? I am STILL not making healthy choices. Minutes before writing this post at 11:00 p.m. I wanted to go into the kitchen and stuff my face.
I don’t just have a weight problem, I have a heart problem. My struggle with food is ultimately not about hunger, it’s about sin. It’s about looking to food to meet a need that is meant to be fulfilled in Christ. I was made to crave HIM, not ice cream or brownies. I was made to worship and long for HIM, not a bag of Chex Mix.
In a way I feel as though I am starting my weight loss journey all over again. The thought of losing 10 pounds, which is really all I want to lose, seems daunting. I have let poor eating habits become second nature for so long that it is going to be hard work to undo those habits, but I also know that hard work is what it what it took to lose all the weight before. The fact that I’m having an internal freakout about 10 pounds is kind of ridiculous when I look at the fact that I am 94 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight!
Jesus does not want me to live a defeated life, and I have felt nothing but defeated these past four weeks as I have allowed gluttony to win out over the pursuit of holiness. One of my favorite Bible verses is Galatians 5:1, which says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Christ wants me to be free from the bondage of gluttony! He is on my side, so I know I can win this war.
I am here, and I am ready to fight.