I am struggling.
I decided to weigh myself Sunday morning, and I was at 1902. In a little over one week I have gained 1.8 pounds, which is all of the weight I lost in July, plus a little extra. My eating has been terrible. I haven’t struggled so much with wanting food and thinking about food and obsessing over food since very early in my weight loss journey. If I’m not eating food, I’m thinking about food. When I was in the grocery store last week, it was all I could do to go past the bakery without buying all manner of baked goods. I crave all sweets, all the time. Except for when I crave Doritos or Fritos. While I don’t always give in to these cravings (sometimes only because what I want is not in the house, praise the Lord), I give in far more than I should. And while I was somewhat aware of this issue in July, it has definitely come to the forefront of my mind this month. I can think of a few reasons why I am struggling so much with desires for food right now:
1. I am at home alone for large portions of the day, giving me ample time to think about food and ample access to that food.
2. I am stressed about not having a job and feeling worthless, so I turn to food for comfort.
3. I have gotten lazy with my thinking towards food.
The solution? I am not entirely sure, but being aware of the underlying problems is definitely a step in the right direction. I know that part of the solution for problem #1 is to keep myself. I have a list of things to do today, many of which will take me outside of the house, which is a good thing. But I can only come up with so many errands to run, especially when we don’t have a bank account with funds that magically reproduce themselves. However, I can definitely make sure that if nothing else the house is clean and organized every day, so that will help, as will lots and lots of exercise.
Problems #2 and 3 are more abstract and therefore tougher to manage. While I know that worrying and stressing is pointless and that thinking before I eat is immensely important, knowing and doing are vastly different, and I have been struggling with that difference daily. I’ve been reminded once again that losing weight is not just about changing the body physically; losing weight involves an emotional and spiritual makeover as well. Ultimately, what I have realized in the past week or so is that I am in a battle for my mind, and I am letting the enemy win every time I forget the truths of Scripture. If I do not take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ, if I do not think on the good, lovely, perfect things, if I do not remember to be still and know that He is God, then the chaotic, miserable existence I’ve been living is the result.
I cannot keep going through this. Therefore, I’m becoming proactive. I am spending quality time reading the Bible, I am going to find passages of Scripture that speak directly to my tendency toward worry and fear, and I am going to start thinking before I eat. This morning I read two wonderful blog entries by Diane at Fit to the Finish about breaking up with food, and that is exactly what I need to do. No more co-dependence, no more mindless eating, no more guilt sessions about eating too much. I have to remember that as much as I love food, food doesn’t love me back!
Easier said than done? Absolutely. But that certainly isn’t going to prevent me trying.
Watch out, food. You’ve met your match.