Though this blog is only a little over two years old, I have actually been a blogger for over four years. Most of my early blogging was done on Xanga, and even when I decided that I preferred Blogger to Xanga, I posted entries in both places for a long time before finally posting solely to this site. Even now, I haven’t had the heart to delete my Xanga because it was so foundational for me and contains many important memories and connections to people, so I have been in the process of shifting all of my old Xanga posts from there to here. This will take quite some time, as in the early days of blogging I would often post multiple times a day (usually very silly things, to be honest), and my blogging in general was much more frequent than it is now. You’ll notice the archives on here increasing as I continue to add posts, and I wanted to share with you a few snippets I came across today as I was adding posts from 2005.
One of my earliest posts, in February of 2005, in which I blog about trying to be healthy:
Being healthy is stinkin’ hard! Especially when you don’t like eating healthy food. The only veggies I like are broccoli, corn, carrots, and potatoes, and I can only take so much of those. Did you know that the FDA recommends 3-4 servings of veggies a DAY? Who are they kidding?? Who eats that many veggies, except animals? Does anyone reading this post, b/c if you do, I wanna hear about it. Now, if they considered french fries veggies, I’d be in good shape! And really, they should, b/c french fries are potatoes, right? Absolutely!
Haha, I don’t think that particular experiment in healthy living lasted long.
One from the end of March 2005, in which I blog about frustrating shopping trips and ice cream:
The human mind is a funny thing; I went shopping this weekend and was depressed by how fat I looked in everything I tried on. But instead of going out and exercising, what did I do? I went and got some ice cream. Even as I was paying for the ice cream, part of me was screaming, “What are you doing? This is the very thing that’s made you fat, and here you are getting more?! Stop it!” But I can’t. And then I feel guilty and apathetic, but nothing changes. I’m still me, and that’s what I have to live with, only sometimes I’d just rather not.
Just reading that makes me sad for how I felt back then.
A post from July 2005 in which I blog about the spiritual aspect of weight issues after yet another unsuccessful shopping trip:
I struggle with being angry at God because it seems like so many other people can eat whatever they want and not really have to worry about gaining weight, whereas I look at food and it immediately latches onto my thighs. But I know that’s wrong. I just read in Isaiah that I have no right to quarrel with my Maker. He certainly knows what He’s doing. I just hate my body sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. I hate how I always feel like the fattest person in the room; I hate feeling dread whenever I simply walk past a bathing suit display; I hate having to constantly think about what I’m eating is causing me to gain. Most of all, I think I hate how I’m too lazy to change it, and how that must displease my Lord. Jesus, help me help myself.
So much about these entries seems foreign to me now, and yet so much of it still rings very true. I am no longer drowning in self-pity about my weight but am actively working to change myself for the better, but I still fight a constant battle with food and laziness and longing. I think I always will. But I know that I am the better for having struggled, and I am glad that I can look back on these entries and see how far I’ve come instead of realizing that nothing has changed.
Where were you four years ago? Are you proud of the person you’ve become?