One-Sided Devotion

It was a familiar scene: me sitting in the recliner, stuffing my face.  Food of choice:  chocolate Teddy Grahams.  About two minutes into shoving a handful of cookies into my mouth, I stopped.  But ONLY because the box was empty. 

I wish I could tell you this happened a looong time ago, before my revelation about the poor state of my health and before my commitment to an active, healthier lifestyle. 

It was ten minutes ago. 

I may be able to exercise for hours a week, but put me in front of some sweets or junk food, and I can easily become my former fat self, shoveling in food faster than I can even chew it.  The fault is totally mine; I know that if I don't portion out things like Teddy Grahams or nuts or basically any kind of food that comes in a package, I will NOT stick to a serving size.  I will tell myself, “I'll only eat a few.”  But of course a few becomes many, and then I'm left feeling guilty and woeful.  I know that the afternoon is my weakest time emotionally, and yet I still allow myself to wander into the kitchen, ignore the questions I posted to avoid these very moments, and eat away. 

If I could truly learn just one thing, it would be this:  FOOD DOESN'T LOVE ME BACK.  I can eat all of the goodies I want, love each morsel I put into my mouth, look with longing at the display of donuts, turn to food for comfort or out of boredom, but NEVER does the food offer me in return what I am truly looking for.  So why do I keep looking to food to satisfy me?  I know satisfaction in food is a temporary, fleeting thing.  I know in a few hours I'll just be hungry again and have to fight the urge to eat the healthy choice instead of the junky one.  I know that tomorrow I'll be waging this war all over again.  I know that any time I indulge I won't feel comforted but guilty, and yet I continue this self-destructive pattern!  Sure, the lapses occur far less frequently than they used to, but they still occur more often than I want them to, more often than they should. 

I am a glutton, plain and simple.  I make an idol out of food, expecting it to do what only God can.  He alone can satisfy; He alone is my comfort and hope.  How do I find the balance?  How do I view food in a healthy way, as fuel and a necessary part of life and not as the entirety of my existence?

I am not entirely sure of the answers, but I know for certain the answer isn't in the bottom of a box of Teddy Grahams.

4 thoughts on “One-Sided Devotion

  1. Good point. Food does not love anyone back. The right food can fuel your body and nourish you, but it will never give the fulfillment we’re all looking for.

    Thank you for putting out there the reminder to seek God for those feelings of fulfillment and contentment.

    I’m so impressed with your C25K progress. Wow!! You’re gonna be running a 5k? I’m so proud of you and its very inspiring.


  2. Oh I can so relate!!! right now I have a pecan pie in the oven and a fudge pie waiting on the counter…then more to make tomorrow! I am such a compulsive person that I can’t seem to stop myself with food or shopping–i just have to keep away from those situations to have any chance–and i’m clearly not doing well with that with all these pies!!

    it’s awesome that you can realize and acknowledge what you are doing–even if it doesn’t completely stop the pattern.
    (funny thing–the word verification for me to post this is “exessess” which, though not a correct spelling, fits this topic perfectly!)


  3. One of the things I love about your posts is no matter how many times you say that you have done something that works against your efforts or that you havent done as well as you would have liked, there is always something positive in it.
    This time: you arent having those mindless binges as frequently as you used to. You are already in the process of conquering that problem.


  4. isn’t it funny how just when you think you get it, you realize you haven’t? 100lbs lost and I still struggle with trying to figure out how to control myself without plopping myself in a “controlled” environment.

    Thanks for sharing your journey with us!


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