I’m in a funk.
I don’t feel like I’ve made very good choices with my food at all this week, and I haven’t been able to exercise much because of my knee. I’ve done a lot with weights, in the hopes of counteracting the decreased amount of cardio, but overall I just feel discouraged. The truth of the matter is, even though I’ve lost 15 pounds, I’m still a glutton. Food is an idol in my life that needs to be destroyed. I almost typed “that I need to destroy,” but I know that I can’t do it. I absolutely cannot conquer this with my strength. I have no strength and no willpower. Just this morning I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast because we had some extra time, and let’s just say I ate a lot more of them than I should have. And of course I felt guilty almost immediately afterwards. In one meal, I consumed almost half of my calories for the whole day. That’s pathetic! I expected those kinds of lapses when I first began this process, not almost 3 months into it. If this idol is going to be destroyed forever, then God has to do it, and I have to trust and believe that He will, if I hand it over to Him. I must surrender my desires for His.
I think after losing 3 pounds last week, I was so excited and so confident that I was on the right track that I let my guard down. I wasn’t as vigilant this week, not as focused on what was going into my body. It seems that I assumed I wouldn’t always have to be so careful, but I do. This is a lifestyle change, a mindset change, and that change isn’t going to happen overnight.
I don’t want to be consumed with losing weight; I want to be consumed with love of God. I want to long for Him, hunger after Him and not a piece of chocolate. As sad as this sounds, I think my thoughts about food outweigh my thoughts about God, and that is despicable. Food offers temporary satisfaction; the Lord is the eternal wellspring of life! May I drink deeply from its depths.